The year is 2022. Winter is approaching. Your funds are low and you’re about to run out of teabags. How could this year get any worse?
Well I, Lenny Marriott, am here to tell you it will get worse. Much much worse. But do not fret, for I will also save you from this peril. Though I have lived comfortably my whole life, being born to a wealthy businessman, never working a day in my life; I promise you I relate greatly too you common folk. Therefore, I have gathered a team of money saving experts who have been locked in a dark room with nothing but a computer loaded with excel to figure out the solution to this dire future.
So here are the five best tips they gathered, and it only took 3 of the team falling into a deep state of exhaustion to make:
1. ‘Spaghetti Bolog’save
Do you wake up in the early hours of the morning with a pang of hunger consuming you? Do you want to save money heating up that damn dinner in these trying times? Well here’s a tip that can solve both your problems in one fell swoop.
Before you head to bed with your cozy water bottle; your lifelong partner (and the only one that will never leave you (IM TALKING TO YOU JESS. I STILL DON’T FORGIVE YOU FOR ENDING THINGS OVER THE PHONE)): fill your water bottle with some uncooked spaghetti. After the spaghetti is added; fill the bottle with some lovely hot water. The one key element is not to forget to add salt to your hot water bottle. This will add flavour and prevent the spaghetti from sticking together. Now, as you sleep peacefully this spaghetti will slowly cook itself and you will wake up not only warm, but with a delicious meal ready by your side.
Top Tips for True Chefs:
- If you want to improve the flavour of your spaghetti; add more salt (you can never have enough)
- To turn this into a lovely breakfast snack; add some peanut butter as a sauce. Delicous.
2. Water Inflation
Did you know that if a tap drips ten times per minute; you could lose 90 litres of water a month. This quick tip will save all your water woes. My team in finance have calculated that by using this tip you can save around £25,000 a year in water wastage.
For this tip you simply place a balloon over each and every tap in your house. Before using the tap, you take off the balloon and then place it back on after use. These balloons will collect any excess water that would have been wasted down the sink. You can then use this water to drink or even wash the dishes. Ill leave it up to your imagination what you do!
3. The ‘Key’ to All Your Money Woes
Do you ever feel like its impossible to save in this current age? Like all your money is slipping out the door… through the windows… maybe even through your keyhole? Well, you wouldn’t be alone; many British citizens have reported feeling the same. And I’m here to tell you that none of you are wrong either.
Scarily; a large sum of your heating bill is wasted. How? You might ask. A lot of the heat from your house escapes through small holes. One of these holes is located right in your front door: the keyhole. To fix this issue our money saving team devised a complex strategy.
To do this strategy you must first find some masking tape in your house. Then, when the keyholes are not in use; proceed to place a small square of masking tape over the hole, consequently trapping the hot air inside. This will keep your house warm all through the winter months.
Top tips for true savers:
- For a more permanent solution; fill the keyhole with superglue. Therefore, no hot air will ever escape again.
4. ‘Tap’ping into hot water
Is the future advent of a blackout filling you with dread and fear? Is this fear due to not knowing how you’ll cope without your habitual hourly tea? Fear no more. We have devised a 10-step strategy that you can practice now in readiness of the coming daily blackouts. By following this strategy correctly you will be guaranteed a lovely warm cup of tea, electricity or not.
The first step involves turning your tap on. You must then proceed to light a candle. After that you must hold the candle underneath your tap until the water flowing is very very hot. Then put your cup, with teabag inside under your tap. There it is. You now have a lovely warm cup of tea. Feel your stresses fade away as you slowly sip your brew. You’re welcome!
5. The ‘Foil’ to creating a carbon footprint
Got cold feet? And no I’m not talking about your engagement to James, I’m sure he’s a lovely bloke. Do you literally have cold feet? It’s a common problem felt throughout the UK in these winter months. Not everyone can afford under floor heating and so many are left with a sour taste in their mouth and a cold feeling in their foot. Our money saving experts have found the solution, through numerous calculations and spreadsheets filled with numbers.
They suggest that you can keep your feet warm through lining your slippers with aluminium foil. This creates a barrier through which the heat can escape from your slippers, thus trapping any excess heat in with your feet. Your feet will never not be cozy again. Experts are telling us this also reduces your carbon footprint due to your feet not actually touching the ground anymore.